(Today’s chapter name isn’t a pun, but an anagram of the chapter title, “Nicholas Flamel”)

Just in case you were thinking about developing your very own special mutant boob or other body part, I’ve made a list of pros and cons to having cancer.

Here’s the pros:

• My work has an insurance policy that means I can take up to 2 years off work at 75% of my income, so I don’t have to report to Centrelink and I am technically still employed;
• I can access my superannuation, and life insurance policy on my superannuation, to do fun things;
• I get to travel to hopefully all the places I want to go #deathtour;
• Cancer has been a pretty extreme way to get a much-wanted breast reduction, but it’s hopefully still on the table;
• And I may get a free tummy tuck and butt lift to rebuild them after radiation #buttboobs;
• I have so much time to focus on activities;
• I didn’t have to shave my legs for so long when my hair started falling out;
• My underarm hair still hasn’t grown back;
• I might end up getting curly hair like I’ve always wanted;
• Fatigue gives you an excuse to nap as often as you want;
• You look like an asshole if you make someone with cancer cry;
• You can guilt people into giving you things or doing things for you by playing The Cancer Card™;
• Don’t want to go somewhere? “Doctor says I can’t”, “Cancer is playing up”, “I’m exhausted from treatment”;
• Personal trainers and their ilk are not allowed to work you so hard that you puke;
• My hair growing back is super soft and fuzzy, and feels nice when people touch it;
• You get to make SO MANY people uncomfortable with your black sense of humour;
• It’s easier to not wear a bra anymore because you’re constantly taking it off and putting it back on for appointments;
• Chemically induced menopause means no more periods;
• The cost of being treated for cancer in the public system is minimal;

And here’s the cons:

• I miss out on hanging out with some truly awesome people at work;
• I’m not sick enough to access my superannuation or life insurance policy yet #terminalbutnotsickenough;
• Treatment constantly moving and changing reduces my ability to plan to go on #deathtour;
• Cancer hurts;
• Chemo, menopause and inability to exercise like I used to equals constant bloating;
• I have no energy or motivation to actually do activities;
• I had to lose my hair in the first place as a side effect of treatment;
• Weight gain from chemo also sucks and is basically inevitable #growingeverrounder;
• Cancer sometimes likes to go on its own journey throughout your body and grow more cancer #boobsonmyliver;
• My life expectancy is kind of disappointing;
• People want to be a part of your life now that you’re sick, when they weren’t when you were healthy;
• People saying “but you’re so young!” (babies and children die from cancer too, do you say that to their parents?) #deathdoesntdiscriminate;
• Watching two movies back-to-back and not being able to remember what the first one was #chemobrain;
• Chemotherapy kind of sucks, and it means I have two weeks in every cycle of three where I avoid people because of nausea or resting or because I have no immune system;
• You have to keep an eye on your temperature daily for early signs of fever;
• My sleep patterns are completely fucked up – I sleep in no more than 2 hour blocks at the moment;
• That I have cancer;
• That gross metallic taste in your mouth that makes water taste awful unless it’s chilled to the exact temperature of Neptune;
• Being able to taste lettuce but not garlic #whattheactualfuck;
• Menopause sucks (hot flushes and night sweats are murder);
• So many appointments;
• You’re supposed to avoid soft cheeses;

 

I hope this list has been helpful and informative.

Always your friend in cancer,

Kaymac.