There has been so much that I have been working on since being in Adelaide that I can barely begin to even tell you.

I had no idea that someone so close to me would show their true colours as a bigot. I have friends of all backgrounds, colours, religions, race, but I never, ever thought that I would have a friend who would use my (gay) brother’s name as a replacement in a bigoted slur about homosexuality. I would like to remind all of you reading that there is nothing negative about being gay. To use “gay” as a replacement for another word meaning “bad” is an act of hatred, intolerance and bigotry, and I will not allow it to go by unnoticed anymore. We are not in our teens or early 20’s when this kind of thing was reflexively said, without the insight that it was actually hurtful. I will call you out on it, and the only acceptable answer to me calling you out on it is to apologise sincerely and never, ever say it again in my presence.

Friends, I love you all, but this is something so intolerable that I will unfriend you and never let you back in.

Especially if your reaction to me calling you out is to dismiss me.

I’ve been working with my psychologist every fortnight for the better part of two years now. We have covered so many issues, like family relationships, romantic relationship breakdown, ghosting, rekindling friendships, values, finances, fear of disease progression, death, cancer, celebrations of new life, and learning to assert myself. I have done so much introspective work, and I’ve been working on mindfulness and trying to work it into all aspects of my life. I bake, I sew, I learn ukulele, I learn guitar, I paint, I draw, and I write. I try to better myself as a person. 

I like to think that the values system I have is a pretty solid system and well varied. Some of my values are harder to live by, but I try my best to stand proud and sure about who I am and what is right and wrong. There is still some grey area because nothing is exact, but honestly, I feel like I am a good person overall. This is not an invitation to flood me with comments agreeing with this fact, that’s not why I’m writing this.

I live my life by valuing connection above all. I need to and love to feel connected to those around me, and I believe I am. Sometimes the connection is more frequent, but infrequency does not mean that the connection isn’t strong. I love that my friends are all understanding humans and know this is a fact as well for themselves.

Throughout my time in Adelaide, I realised that a previously strong connection had become a little less so, and it was one I valued highly. The day after RUOK? Day, when I was waiting for a spine MRI to set me up for radiation treatment in Adelaide to relieve my intense back pain, I reached out to this person and opened up about my fears and filled them in with what was going on because I was still definitely not okay. The conversation went over a couple of days, and the following day, they asked about what all the scans oncology appointments mean. I must admit, this is something that rankles me, because it’s obvious that if I’m telling you I’m in pain, having scans, and waiting for urgent oncology appointments – it’s obvious what it means. I told this person that it means my cancer is advancing, and I am not okay, and I am scared.

What I was threading between my words was a request for comfort of some kind. And this is something my psych and I have been working on as well – my expectation of empathy from people around me. This person has twice before shown me zero empathy, but I give everyone three chances. Shame on me. There are also certain people in my life that I need to just come straight out and ask for empathy and compassion because I either expect more than they can give, or they need the prompt from me to act that way. This is their own personal failing and they should definitely work with a professional to overcome this shortcoming.

That aside, I suggested that when you’re lost for words, just relate to me that it’s a shitty situation. It’s one of the most comforting things people can say to me, because it IS a shitty situation. Recognising that it is for me, and it is for you too, helps me to feel heard and does actually give me peace of mind. Frilly platitudes, and I’m sure it’s a gut reaction for some people, are not actually helpful. I don’t need to hear a story about your aunt’s best friend’s boss who had cancer and they were in pain until they died and no painkiller could help them in the world. No. Not helpful. 

And whoa help me if you ever say “everything happens for a reason” because I’d really like to know what you think I did to deserve to die of breast cancer with spine, liver, and brain metastases.

This person’s response was to say that “frilly platitudes are gay”, and when I asked them to “please not use gay like that”, they shut down the conversation with a thumbs-up emoji and a “have a great day, Kate”.

What would you do in this situation? 

I stewed for about 20 minutes and responded that in a conversation where I am telling them I am afraid, I ask them to not use homophobic language and their reaction is to shut down conversation was really hurtful and I was done talking to them for the moment.

They responded by saying that I have a lot of work to do on myself and they have pulled back on the friendship for the better part of a year because of things I have done that are hurtful, and they haven’t told me about it because they didn’t want to add stress to me so they kept quiet. And to take my own advice about managing my feelings.

After this conversation, I realised that whilst I live my life by values like kindness, love, equality, and gratitude for what I have, not everybody has the same moral standards as me. I spent four sessions – two months – going over this person and their reaction with my psychologist. It dominated the conversation over everything else, because it troubled me so much. My psych suggested I write this person a letter, and whether to send it or not it didn’t matter, and I tried to do so. But as I wrote it, I realised I didn’t care anymore to rehash the ways they have hurt me, and I didn’t know what the purpose of the letter was. The more I reflected on this person, I realised that they didn’t bring me joy anymore.

Seven weeks later, still in radio silence on both sides, they were on social media in a photo with friends, with comments such as “so many Matthew’s here” and “what a Matthew”. My brother’s name is Matthew. He is gay.

I was furious and devastated, all at once. I told my brother later that day that he is not a joke, and that I always have his back, no matter how much sibling teasing we do. And whatever this person’s reason was for using my brother’s name as a synonym for “gay” (which is the conclusion I jumped to) I don’t want to hear it and I don’t give a fuck. My brother is a human, a good person, and he is not the butt of someone else’s bad joke.

(I really, really, desperately want to add in that I cannot see any version of events that could have this person standing on the moral high ground with friends backing them up about it. I want to rant and use names and show screenshots to everybody – I have them. Even this paragraph shouldn’t be here, but I need to say this.)

A friend said something very, very helpful – that just because someone has been written into the story of your life, it’s okay to end the page they’re on and start a new chapter. I decided that the person of topic has brought me disappointment and hurt more than they brought joy to my life lately, and I decided that they would not be as involved in my life anymore. I realised with this wisdom, I could look at the friendship, thank it for what it had been, but it did not spark joy anymore so it was going away for a bit. I was KonMari-ing my life. I’ve done it before with long-term friendships. It’s how I look back at my previous romantic relationships too. They were what they were, they helped to make me who I am now, but if I’m not happy I will walk away.

I have some of the wisest, and best friends. I love you all.

Friends, I want to hear about your lives and troubles, please don’t shut me out. Your confidence in me is everything. I know that 2020 has been the worst year for I think almost everybody I know, but I am trying to find the positives in this dumpster fire of a year:

If we only focus on the negatives, we become overwhelmed and shut down. Please share some of the better things that have happened despite lockdown and the difficult situations we have found ourselves in. Make a list, and share it or keep it private. I know that I’m coming out of 2020 not being the asshole between the friend and I, even if they view it diffferently. 

Think of the random, little things. And know that even in hard times we can find joy, and hold onto it.