(For now…)

(Original title – The Man With Two Faces)

And now for an update in how cancer continues to ruin my life, I’ve been dealing with a bit of a bung foot for a while now in varying ways. I mentioned about my toenail a while ago, and then I developed pain on the top of my foot that feels like a weird sharp bruise, and now I feel it in my ankle and the base of my calf.

I went to see my GP today about it, as well as to fill him in and ask a few questions about other things going on, and he thinks I might have fluid build-up around one of my tendons (extensor hallucis longus and/or tibialis anterior, for those of you playing along at home). So I had an ultrasound this afternoon to find out what’s going on there. In the meantime, reduce my walking, use voltaren gel, and hope that’s enough to cope with the pain.

My oncologist called this evening just after I finished dinner, and said that I’ll be starting my new treatment on Friday once the drugs arrive at my local pharmacy. I asked about the surgery and she said it’ll likely be early April, they’re trying to juggle some patients around so they can squeeze me in. That’s a relief because I’m not sure I’m prepared for it to be this week.

In other news, I read this on a blog last week, you know, the ones I said I never read because they’re all about hope and shit? Well, this woman had metastatic breast cancer too, and passed away at the start of last year.

She posted it, and now I’m going to post it, because it’s really accurate. It was this woman’s last post, she didn’t credit the author but I google-sleuthed like the google-wizard I am and found her.

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What is it like to go through cancer treatment? It’s something like this: one day, you’re minding your own business, you open the fridge to get some breakfast, and OH MY GOD THERE’S A MOUNTAIN LION IN YOUR FRIDGE.

Wait, what? How? Why is there a mountain lion in your fridge? NO TIME TO EXPLAIN. RUN! THE MOUNTAIN LION WILL KILL YOU! UNLESS YOU FIND SOMETHING EVEN MORE FEROCIOUS TO KILL IT FIRST!!

So you take off running, and the mountain lion is right behind you. You know the only thing that can kill a mountain lion is a bear, and the only bear is on top of the mountain. You start running up the mountain in hopes of finding the bear. Your friends desperately want to help, but they are powerless against mountain lions, as mountain lions are godless killing machines. But they really want to help, so they’re cheering you on and bringing you paper cups of water and orange slices as you run up the mountain and yelling at the mountain lion – “GET LOST, MOUNTAIN LION, NO ONE LIKES YOU” – and you really appreciate the support, but the mountain lion is still coming.

Also, for some reason, there’s someone in the crowd who’s yelling “that’s not really a mountain lion, it’s a puma” and another person yelling “I read that mountain lions are allergic to kale, have you tried rubbing kale on it?”

As you’re running up the mountain, you see other people fleeing their own mountain lions. Some of the mountain lions seem comparatively wimpy – they’re half grown and only have three legs or whatever, and you think to yourself – why couldn’t I have gotten one of those mountain lions? But then you look over at the people who are fleeing mountain lions the size of a monster truck with huge prehistoric saber fangs, and you feel like an asshole for even thinking that – and besides, who in their right mind would want to fight a mountain lion, even a three-legged one?

Finally, the person closest to you, whose job it is to take care of you – maybe a parent or sibling or best friend – comes barging out of the woods and jumps on the mountain lion, whaling on it and screaming “GODDAMMIT MOUNTAIN LION, STOP TRYING TO EAT MY FAMILY,” and the mountain lion punches your relatives right in the face. Now your relative (or friend or whatever) is rolling around on the ground clutching their nose, and they bought you some time, but you still need to get to the top of the mountain.

Eventually you reach the top, finally, and the bear is there. Waiting. For both of you. You rush right up to the bear, and the bear rushes the mountain lion, but the bear has to go through you to get to the mountain lion, and in doing so, the bear TOTALLY KICKS YOUR ASS, but not before it also punches your relative in the face. And your family (or friend) is now staggering around with a black eye and bloody nose, and saying “can I get some help, I’ve been punched in the face by two apex predators and I think my nose is broken,” and all you can say is “I’M KIND OF BUSY IN CASE YOU HADN’T NOTICED I’M FIGHTING A MOUNTAIN LION.”

Then, IF YOU ARE LUCKY, the bear leaps on the mountain lion and they are locked in epic battle until finally the two of them roll off a cliff edge together, and the mountain lion is dead.

Maybe. You’re not sure – it fell off the cliff, but mountain lions are crafty. It could come back at any moment.

And all your friends and family come running up to you and say “that was amazing! You’re so brave, we’re so proud of you! You didn’t die! That must be a huge relief!”

Meanwhile, you blew out both your knees, you’re having an asthma attack, you twisted your ankle, and also you have been mauled by a bear. And everyone says “boy, you must be excited to walk down the mountain!” And all you can think as you stagger to your feet is “fuck this mountain, I never wanted to climb it in the first place.”

Caitlin Feeley (https://twitter.com/caitlinfeeley)

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This chapter title ends the Harry Potter & The Philosopher’s Stone title puns. I’m trying to decide if I just pick random chapter names, or continue through the books chronologically.